I decided to write thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through unemployment. This edition is dedicated to Ace Bandage.
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Dear Ace Bandage,
A lot has happened since my absence from this gem of a blog that gets two views a day! I am now the proud owner of a Subway chicken sandwich, and I decided to get serious about money and learn how to invest the $20 I found on the street. The first and second clauses of that previous sentence are unrelated; I just thought you’d be happy to know I went with your advice to avoid a Pre-Packaged Meal for lunch.
Instead of wasting my time by doing research, I decided to approach my investment problem the American way: by watching TV. On a particularly loud program, the guy screaming at the woman screaming at the robot screaming at Mitt Romney screaming about gay puppies ruining the universe told me that until this economy is stabilized, the professionally disillusioned and delirious would have to find alternate methods of securing financial success…you know, methods that don’t involve getting an education, working hard, or accepting the gay puppies for who they are.
Since I have a few degrees sitting in WTF box and I value and treasure the gay puppy next door, I decided to take screaming head #1’s advice and pursue other methods of making money. Unfortunately, I am too old to go on the “Real World” and write a memoir about the epiphanies I had while making out with someone in a hot tub, so I decided to skip straight to writing about epiphanies. Here’s what I wrote:
“The word ‘epiphany’ is not spelled with an F. Epiphanies are nice.”
Sadly, publishers did not see this fit to invest thousands of dollars to promote. Phuck that.
Alas, I was forced to turn to plan B: stabilize the economy. It seems as though we are running into roadblocks in our quest to bring America up through the ranks to the same level of competitiveness as North Korea, Cuba, and Vanuatu. Apparently the problem is that many members of Congress cannot read or do math.
My brief aspirations to become a professional Badminton player have taught me that you, Ace Bandage, are very skilled in holding parts that need stabilization to move forward. As such, I marched straight down to Congress and demanded to see the members who hate jobs and infrastructure. After using my scented candles as a relaxer, I carefully wrapped one of you, Ace Bandage, around the head and neck of every Congressperson who fit my strict criteria. You will be happy to know that as a result, these members are now forced to look in only one direction: at the primary school math teacher I hired for $10/hour. Times are tough. I got a good rate.
It may take awhile, Ace Bandage, but together, we can successfully constrict the minds that seem to not need any more constricting. Together, we shall change America. Together, we shall go back to Subway. I really want a cookie.
With talking heads,
Mala
