Unemployment Object Memoirs - A Tribute to Social Media App

I decided to start writing thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through un(der)employment. This edition is dedicated to Social Media App.
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Dear Social Media App,

As you might have heard because I told you using emoticons, way too many exclamation marks*, and a vague reference to Gandhi, I am once again riding the tides of un(der)employment. My friends and colleagues have kindly reached out with fake epithets of sympathy, though as you well know, Social Media App, most are occupied taking pictures of their food and posting the bike route exercise regimen GPS very well knows they did not actually complete.

These past few years, I have tried my level best to make a career change. Alas finding something that speaks to my intellectual curiosity, skill set, desire to make more than a cashier and need to not make the world a shittier place than before has largely impeded this process. In fact, thirteen replies on my post about the perils of un(der)employment were to make my way to the start-up world to work on you, Social Media App. Though a solid suggestion, when the question,

“So why do you want to work for us?”

comes up, I always find my mind wandering to the policy and advocacy work I am currently doing to help marginalized voices be heard. Sure, your creators reason, Social Media App directly led to the suicides of 17 people and started a human trafficking ring in Latin America last year, but there’s unlimited coffee and granola bars in the office!

Now I know, Social Media App, that I use you in a way to suggest that even in my low points, I am unequivocally amazing. That’s because I genuinely think this is true. But what is also true is that narcissism, “is not considered a strength” in applications for employment.

So, I have decided to turn over a new leaf on you, Social Media App. While Facebook benefited from my ability to straight out lie, I know the kids these days are using you to vent serious insecurities about their lives. After all, nothing screams intimacy more than setting your privacy settings to “public humiliation”.

Over the next few weeks, I will be posting a series of anecdotes highlighting particularly traumatizing and unnerving periods of my life. Through wit, photos, and hashtags, I will expose myself on you, Social Media App. This may result in you prompting me to seek medical attention and buy self-help books that truly do make me want to die, but in the end, I know this public display of catharsis is exactly what the un(der)employment doctor ordered.

I guess what I am really trying to say is that I would like to apply for the position of Social Media App Evangelist. I hope you will take this cover letter as proof that I still don't get how you're different from Facebook.

All the Best,

Mala

*The correct number is one. It’s always one.

Unemployment Object Memoirs: A Tribute to Emoticons

I decided to write thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through unemployment. This edition is dedicated to Emoticons.
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Dear Emoticons,

After a festive red wine and vitamin D pill dinner last week, I realized that I am still technically under the influence of unemployment. Though I nearly escaped this ill fate twice in the past eight months, small semantic issues such as “visas,” “citizenship,” and “work authorization” have prevented me from emerging unscathed. So, in a moment of semi-clarity, I decided to get strategic on unemployment’s ass and actually research what jobs were in demand, rather than continue my old methods of screaming outside of large office buildings and throwing my CV at UN directors’ faces.

As it turns out, someone thought of making a list of in-demand jobs before me! Who knew, Emoticons!? Right there, sitting at number three was something I figured I could try: miming. Yes, Emoticons, for a glorious 4 days, I became a mime. After calling a few miming companies and describing my passion and motivation to becoming a mime (read: I lied and said I was qualified), I got my first interview! So I put on my best black t-shirt, threw on a fake smile (red paint) and mime-ran out the door!

Emoticons, I was a bit shocked to see the quality of the other mimes when I walked in the door. Half of them didn’t even wear makeup – what poor preparation! Or so I thought. Apparently, Emoticon, mimes are not in demand at all. You know what is? M-I-N-E-R-S. As in data miNers. I guess I should take more than five seconds to read the listings, huh?

Anyway, I figured I should keep the mime vow of silence. Besides, it gave me an excuse to not talk to stupid people. But I wanted a way to express things quickly, since apparently, I am incapable of showing human emotion with my face, and in fact, make a terrible mime. So, I settled on you, Emoticons. This was my first conversation using you:

Woman on Street: That’s a nice jacket, where did you get it?
Me: :-)
WoS: Haha, yeah…it’s nice. Where did you get it?
Me: :-)
WoS: Um, yes, happy, I see that. Do you understand English?
Me: ;-(
WoS: So you do understand English?
Me: :-)
WoS: So are you mute?
Me: :-/
WoS: Oh, I am so sorry! I didn’t realize. That must be so hard. Can I get you anything?
Me: :-) ::points at CV::
WoS: You want a job?
Me: :-)
WoS: Well, I am looking for someone in one of our departments at the Republican National Convention. Would do you think?
Me: x-(

Needless to say, Emoticons, I decided your services should not extend to being a substitute for speech.

Oddly enough, the next day, I heard a story from one of my friends who said their new grant writer used you, Emoticons, to spruce up her cover letter – and it worked! Despite the fact that she has no experience, is a bad writer, can’t spell the organization name correctly, and is an arrogant brat, her use of smiley faces, sad faces, angry faces and whatever the hell this → <3 is impressed the bipolar director, and she got the job! So I decided to try using you too, Emoticons!

At first, I was a little shaky on where to place you, Emoticons. But after a few sentences, I really got the hang of it. I wrote things like, “There are a lot of poor people in Africa. :-( But for every three dumb Americans who watch Fox News, there is one American who cares. :-) This is my favorite organization. I <3 you, Oxfam.”

Just to be sure, Emoticons, I sent a copy of my cover letter to one of my former professors. She wrote back saying:

Dear Mala,

Stop acting like a child. Please see a psychiatrist. :-/

~ Professor White

Anyway, Emoticons, I suppose this means I can’t use you for my cover letters or CV anymore. And I can’t use you as a substitute for speech. So I guess I need to go back to using you as I always have – a way to say, “I’m not paying attention to this conversation.”

With regrets :-( ,

Mala