Unemployment Object Memoirs - A Tribute to Social Media App

I decided to start writing thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through un(der)employment. This edition is dedicated to Social Media App.
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Dear Social Media App,

As you might have heard because I told you using emoticons, way too many exclamation marks*, and a vague reference to Gandhi, I am once again riding the tides of un(der)employment. My friends and colleagues have kindly reached out with fake epithets of sympathy, though as you well know, Social Media App, most are occupied taking pictures of their food and posting the bike route exercise regimen GPS very well knows they did not actually complete.

These past few years, I have tried my level best to make a career change. Alas finding something that speaks to my intellectual curiosity, skill set, desire to make more than a cashier and need to not make the world a shittier place than before has largely impeded this process. In fact, thirteen replies on my post about the perils of un(der)employment were to make my way to the start-up world to work on you, Social Media App. Though a solid suggestion, when the question,

“So why do you want to work for us?”

comes up, I always find my mind wandering to the policy and advocacy work I am currently doing to help marginalized voices be heard. Sure, your creators reason, Social Media App directly led to the suicides of 17 people and started a human trafficking ring in Latin America last year, but there’s unlimited coffee and granola bars in the office!

Now I know, Social Media App, that I use you in a way to suggest that even in my low points, I am unequivocally amazing. That’s because I genuinely think this is true. But what is also true is that narcissism, “is not considered a strength” in applications for employment.

So, I have decided to turn over a new leaf on you, Social Media App. While Facebook benefited from my ability to straight out lie, I know the kids these days are using you to vent serious insecurities about their lives. After all, nothing screams intimacy more than setting your privacy settings to “public humiliation”.

Over the next few weeks, I will be posting a series of anecdotes highlighting particularly traumatizing and unnerving periods of my life. Through wit, photos, and hashtags, I will expose myself on you, Social Media App. This may result in you prompting me to seek medical attention and buy self-help books that truly do make me want to die, but in the end, I know this public display of catharsis is exactly what the un(der)employment doctor ordered.

I guess what I am really trying to say is that I would like to apply for the position of Social Media App Evangelist. I hope you will take this cover letter as proof that I still don't get how you're different from Facebook.

All the Best,

Mala

*The correct number is one. It’s always one.

Unemployment Object Memoirs: Me Makey Bussines Proposal

Dear Bussines Proposal,

A few years back, I ran into a very severe case of unemployment, which effectively shut down my body and forced me to watch copious amounts of Netflix. After slogging through endless hours of shows that were neither educational nor entertaining, I decided to use my down time as a journey of self-exploration...until I realized self-exploration costs a sh*t ton of money. Instead, I started this blog to pay tribute to the objects that helped me through that most devastating case of unemployment.

In the time since my last entry, I have established an amazing career involving tiny seats on planes, badges that UNdo any chance of integrating with mainstream America, rapping in French to bond with colleagues, and a persistent need to take notes on fancy pads of paper while failing to remember how to spell basic words, like bussines. Alas, after my whirlwind adventure, I find myself in a period I have branded "transition", so as to avoid the the reality that I am once again, unemployed.

Over the years, I have come to realize that pretty much everyone who chose stability regrets not following their dreams, and pretty much everyone who followed their dreams regrets not be able to afford dinner. Having fallen somewhere in the middle, I decided to pull myself out of this bout of unemployment with you, Bussines Proposal. Yes, I have decided to start my own company!

Of course every good new venture involves three key ingredients, as enumerated in an article I read on LinkedIn written by a guy who inherited his parents' company:

- A kickass logo
- All of your friends in high places
- A limousine

Seeing as my career has focused on the application of technology and international development, I have decided to make a logo that both reflects my company's essence and is easily recognizable: a Facebook "Like" thumb surrounded by a UN crest. In this way, potential clients will be assured of my company's credibility while prompted to spread the word on social media. Combined with targeted campaigns to increase my consumer base, I plan on amassing 20,000+ likes on the company Facebook page without a single person having any clue as what it is we do. Because let's be honest, Bussines Proposal, we have no idea, either.

In the case that the UN or Facebook gets angry we used their trademarks, I will be prepared. After years of networking with overpriced drinks and fake smiles, I have gathered an amazing group of friends whose last names I can sometimes remember. As most of these friends are now in a "transition" of their own, I have at my disposal all of the people needed to fill core functions of my company. Examples include:

• Director of Lawyer Stuff
• Director of Lawyer Stuff 2 (Specializing in getting Facebook off my ass)
• Dentist
• Chief of Human Rights, Rebel Groups
• Head Data Miner
• Head Data Mimer
• Limousine Driver
• Software engineering intern who secretly does all the work
• Dictator/Holiday Party Planner
• Director of HR and getting rid of the term "Talent Scout" from the English language
• Vice-President

Finally is the issue of the limousine. Now, I was thinking of getting a black one because white ones get dirty really quickly. But I do see your point that white limousines would look a lot better in contrast to my skin tone. I suggest we revisit this point later. Or we could get both. Yeah, let's do that.

So as you see, Bussines Proposal, I am well on my way to combating this regrettable case of unemployment. All that is left is defining the mission, scope, goals, objectives, and establishing funding streams. But I will leave that to our intern.

And they said that my career does not involve astute bussines acumen! UNbelievable!

With grandiose promises,

Mala