Unemployment Object Memoirs: A Tribute to Pre-Packaged Meal

I decided to write thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through unemployment. This edition is dedicated to Pre-Packaged Meal.

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Dear Pre-Packaged Meal,

After a visit to the doctor last week, (webmd.com), I made the alarming discovery that my normal meals of wine and Vitamin D provide less than 1 percent of my required daily nutritional value. Since microwave is still dead, and I have trouble remembering how to chop vegetables, I decided to saunter (the word “walk” is still boring) down the street and see what ready-made food options are available these days.

Buying food is hard, Pre-Packaged Meal! I tried going into restaurants, but they require so much from their customers, like tipping and wearing shoes! So I decided to go to the grocery store, since I see barefooted wannabe yoga gurus and idiots wearing “Toms” in winter go in there all of the time.

After wandering around for a few minutes, I finally found what I was looking for: the salad bar, which conveniently has all kinds of food, except for salads. I grabbed a box, starting piling food in, and then looked up. $8.99/pound!? WTF, are you kidding me!? I am trying to make up for 9 months of no nutritional value with a net worth of 5 dollars, not including student loan debt and bad bets on “Toy Story 3” winning the Oscar. What kind of madness is this – requiring I measure how much I eat!? We don’t do portion control, this is America!

So there I stood, salad bar box in one hand, overly complicated phone calculator in the other hand, trying to figure out the correct ratio of brownies to cookies to peas. It’s important to keep a balanced meal and all. I looked at the happily deluded grad students, trust fund babies, and Wall Street fat cats fill their salad bar boxes without a care in the world. Their steady source of cash meant contents and portions were of no concern. Two hours later, and all I had figured out was two cookies = one brownie = 40 peas = God that shit looks gross. Clearly this salad bar nonsense was not meant for those of us debilitated by a case of unemployment.

That’s when I saw you, Pre-Packaged Meal. You have been absent from my life for so long. Our last encounter was in the third grade, when I thought Lunchable pizza was the coolest invention on earth. I now know that I spent two years eating cardboard topped with ketchup, but considering Lunchables provided more nutritional value than my current diet, I suppose I can’t judge. Finally equipped with you, Pre-Packaged Meal, I walked to the cashier with the confidence that I am once again taking care of my inner being. Unemployment will not destroy my body, it will only destroy my mind!

As I got my last $5 to pay for you, a sign caught my eye:

“Wine on sale. $5.”

But no matter, I knew that you were the one thing my body needed, so I stood strong, and bought you. And now that I am back home safely walking without shoes, I can enjoy you, Pre-Packaged Meal, once and for all. It turns out that you are a 2008 Merlot, and quite liquidly. I bet you’d go well with Vitamin D!

Cheers,

Mala

Unemployment Object Memoirs: A Tribute to World Map

I decided to start writing thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through unemployment. This edition is dedicated to World Map.
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Dear World Map,

After once again meeting this strange box called “television” for a third time this month, I made the pleasant discovery that BBC News has beamed itself down and delivers actual world events on a DAILY basis! Naturally, I have no attention span since this chronic case of unemployment has effectively shut down my brain, but I did catch the words “asylum” and “Sweden” before I fell asleep. World Map, no one has heard anything about Sweden…well, ever, so after I woke up three hours later, I went straight to you to find this tall white and occasionally brown people oasis. There it was, sitting on top of everything else in a beautiful shade of purple. Imagine what it must be like to live in a purple country!

Apparently, the Swedish are known for more than just making reasonably priced modern furniture. They are also known for being perfect at everything ever! So I decided to apply to Sweden as an asylum seeker! After eating a candy cane for brain food (the “Candy Cane Equality” movement died – corrupt leadership), I carefully thought out my asylum reason. Thinking is hard! After 30 seconds, I settled on this: Possession of a brain and persecution due to unemployment status.

It’s perfect, World Map! They can’t possibly deny me! I mean, every time I try to tell people in the south that health care and education are good things, they throw paper balls at me and shout about gay people marrying sheep and painting their guns pink! And then when I go to the north and try to sign a lease on an apartment, they tell me I need a job, but the job people tell me I need to live in the city before I can be hired! I took a human rights class, World Map, and this is against my right to leuqwojdlasd. It’s never-ending, World Map, and Sweden must do something! Yeah, justice!

I submitted my asylum application three days ago. But since it’s a common online application, it only took 15 minutes to apply to five countries! Since I had 23.75 hours of free time, I decided to throw my dad a surprise party for his birthday. I sat down at computer and starting searching on the interwebs. Five minutes later, I was watching “Glee.” Netflix tells me this is because I have a strong affinity for shows in which in real life, the kids are 25 years old, and the adults are 35 years old. “Glee” is also important for other reasons. Actually, it is just one reason: Vitamin D! World Map, I know you really liked that episode where the 25-year-old kids got hopped up on Vitamin D to make it through a particularly hard day, right? So I decided to take Vitamin D pills too!

Within minutes, I was saying ridiculous things like, “I think I will go outside today.” And, “My socks match!” Or, “Unemployment has made me a better person.” Then I hit my head and passed out. When I came to, there you were, standing over me with that look of concern. I think I even saw a tear or two in Spain and Turkey’s eyes. World Map, I hit rock bottom in those two hours, and I am so thankful you were there to remind me of what is most important: cake. I didn’t order a damn cake for the party. Thanks for the reminder, that would have been embarrassing!

See you in Sweden,

Mala