Unemployment Object Memoirs: Me Makey Bussines Proposal

Dear Bussines Proposal,

A few years back, I ran into a very severe case of unemployment, which effectively shut down my body and forced me to watch copious amounts of Netflix. After slogging through endless hours of shows that were neither educational nor entertaining, I decided to use my down time as a journey of self-exploration...until I realized self-exploration costs a sh*t ton of money. Instead, I started this blog to pay tribute to the objects that helped me through that most devastating case of unemployment.

In the time since my last entry, I have established an amazing career involving tiny seats on planes, badges that UNdo any chance of integrating with mainstream America, rapping in French to bond with colleagues, and a persistent need to take notes on fancy pads of paper while failing to remember how to spell basic words, like bussines. Alas, after my whirlwind adventure, I find myself in a period I have branded "transition", so as to avoid the the reality that I am once again, unemployed.

Over the years, I have come to realize that pretty much everyone who chose stability regrets not following their dreams, and pretty much everyone who followed their dreams regrets not be able to afford dinner. Having fallen somewhere in the middle, I decided to pull myself out of this bout of unemployment with you, Bussines Proposal. Yes, I have decided to start my own company!

Of course every good new venture involves three key ingredients, as enumerated in an article I read on LinkedIn written by a guy who inherited his parents' company:

- A kickass logo
- All of your friends in high places
- A limousine

Seeing as my career has focused on the application of technology and international development, I have decided to make a logo that both reflects my company's essence and is easily recognizable: a Facebook "Like" thumb surrounded by a UN crest. In this way, potential clients will be assured of my company's credibility while prompted to spread the word on social media. Combined with targeted campaigns to increase my consumer base, I plan on amassing 20,000+ likes on the company Facebook page without a single person having any clue as what it is we do. Because let's be honest, Bussines Proposal, we have no idea, either.

In the case that the UN or Facebook gets angry we used their trademarks, I will be prepared. After years of networking with overpriced drinks and fake smiles, I have gathered an amazing group of friends whose last names I can sometimes remember. As most of these friends are now in a "transition" of their own, I have at my disposal all of the people needed to fill core functions of my company. Examples include:

• Director of Lawyer Stuff
• Director of Lawyer Stuff 2 (Specializing in getting Facebook off my ass)
• Dentist
• Chief of Human Rights, Rebel Groups
• Head Data Miner
• Head Data Mimer
• Limousine Driver
• Software engineering intern who secretly does all the work
• Dictator/Holiday Party Planner
• Director of HR and getting rid of the term "Talent Scout" from the English language
• Vice-President

Finally is the issue of the limousine. Now, I was thinking of getting a black one because white ones get dirty really quickly. But I do see your point that white limousines would look a lot better in contrast to my skin tone. I suggest we revisit this point later. Or we could get both. Yeah, let's do that.

So as you see, Bussines Proposal, I am well on my way to combating this regrettable case of unemployment. All that is left is defining the mission, scope, goals, objectives, and establishing funding streams. But I will leave that to our intern.

And they said that my career does not involve astute bussines acumen! UNbelievable!

With grandiose promises,

Mala

Unemployment Object Memoirs: A Tribute to Emoticons

I decided to write thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through unemployment. This edition is dedicated to Emoticons.
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Dear Emoticons,

After a festive red wine and vitamin D pill dinner last week, I realized that I am still technically under the influence of unemployment. Though I nearly escaped this ill fate twice in the past eight months, small semantic issues such as “visas,” “citizenship,” and “work authorization” have prevented me from emerging unscathed. So, in a moment of semi-clarity, I decided to get strategic on unemployment’s ass and actually research what jobs were in demand, rather than continue my old methods of screaming outside of large office buildings and throwing my CV at UN directors’ faces.

As it turns out, someone thought of making a list of in-demand jobs before me! Who knew, Emoticons!? Right there, sitting at number three was something I figured I could try: miming. Yes, Emoticons, for a glorious 4 days, I became a mime. After calling a few miming companies and describing my passion and motivation to becoming a mime (read: I lied and said I was qualified), I got my first interview! So I put on my best black t-shirt, threw on a fake smile (red paint) and mime-ran out the door!

Emoticons, I was a bit shocked to see the quality of the other mimes when I walked in the door. Half of them didn’t even wear makeup – what poor preparation! Or so I thought. Apparently, Emoticon, mimes are not in demand at all. You know what is? M-I-N-E-R-S. As in data miNers. I guess I should take more than five seconds to read the listings, huh?

Anyway, I figured I should keep the mime vow of silence. Besides, it gave me an excuse to not talk to stupid people. But I wanted a way to express things quickly, since apparently, I am incapable of showing human emotion with my face, and in fact, make a terrible mime. So, I settled on you, Emoticons. This was my first conversation using you:

Woman on Street: That’s a nice jacket, where did you get it?
Me: :-)
WoS: Haha, yeah…it’s nice. Where did you get it?
Me: :-)
WoS: Um, yes, happy, I see that. Do you understand English?
Me: ;-(
WoS: So you do understand English?
Me: :-)
WoS: So are you mute?
Me: :-/
WoS: Oh, I am so sorry! I didn’t realize. That must be so hard. Can I get you anything?
Me: :-) ::points at CV::
WoS: You want a job?
Me: :-)
WoS: Well, I am looking for someone in one of our departments at the Republican National Convention. Would do you think?
Me: x-(

Needless to say, Emoticons, I decided your services should not extend to being a substitute for speech.

Oddly enough, the next day, I heard a story from one of my friends who said their new grant writer used you, Emoticons, to spruce up her cover letter – and it worked! Despite the fact that she has no experience, is a bad writer, can’t spell the organization name correctly, and is an arrogant brat, her use of smiley faces, sad faces, angry faces and whatever the hell this → <3 is impressed the bipolar director, and she got the job! So I decided to try using you too, Emoticons!

At first, I was a little shaky on where to place you, Emoticons. But after a few sentences, I really got the hang of it. I wrote things like, “There are a lot of poor people in Africa. :-( But for every three dumb Americans who watch Fox News, there is one American who cares. :-) This is my favorite organization. I <3 you, Oxfam.”

Just to be sure, Emoticons, I sent a copy of my cover letter to one of my former professors. She wrote back saying:

Dear Mala,

Stop acting like a child. Please see a psychiatrist. :-/

~ Professor White

Anyway, Emoticons, I suppose this means I can’t use you for my cover letters or CV anymore. And I can’t use you as a substitute for speech. So I guess I need to go back to using you as I always have – a way to say, “I’m not paying attention to this conversation.”

With regrets :-( ,

Mala