Unemployment Object Memoirs: A Tribute to Pad of Paper

I decided to start writing thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through unemployment. This edition is dedicated to Pad of Paper.
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Dear Pad of Paper,

We have a lot of catching up to do, don’t we? Before yesterday, the last time I had seen one of you was in 1998, before I got my first laptop. You are deceptively simple, Pad of Paper. I spent 14 minutes yesterday just trying to figure out where you keep all of your information. Then I realized you don’t have any! It’s me who needs to fill that in! I suppose that’s what got me hooked initially. Computer has created so much data about me that if it ever went rogue, I’m pretty sure it could it could predict my movements before I do! It has gotten a bit overwhelming, Pad of Paper. I knew it was time to take a break when I used the interwebs to sign into my Netflix account a few days ago, and it told me I really enjoying watching movies from the “Mind-Bending Foreign Pantomime with a Strong Leading Dog” category. How did it know!? So I decided to pull you out the next morning and start with an object that has less knowledge inside than I do. That was hard to find!

Pad of Paper, you are so non-judgmental! You don’t highlight things I misspell, like bussines, with a harsh red line. You don’t care if I use the passive voice to say things like “The cake was eaten by me. It’s none of your bussines.” You don’t care, and it’s brill-yant! My unemployment has now seeped into my bloodstream. In these critical stages, Pad of Paper, I need to complain uninterrupted. I need to let my genius flow out so that some day, I can take all the brill-yant things I wrote down on you, and shake them violently in front of my HR rep’s face! You go “crinkle crinkle,” Pad of Paper. When I shake computer, it doesn’t go “crinkle crinkle!” And without that “crinkle crinkle,” how will the HR department know how bad of a mistake they made letting me go wasted all of those months? A bad mistake, Pad of Paper, a bad mistake made by HR rep.

Pad of Paper, the great thing about you is that you have so many other uses besides storing information. I am not sure if anyone has ever thought of this, but when I take one of your sheets and crumple it up, I can make a ball! Then, I can take those balls and throw them at people! I heard on Fox News that President Obama is the devil. Then I heard on MSNBC that President Obama is Buddha. That has no relevance, just thought I’d share.

Anyway Pad of Paper, this Friday, I propose a little field trip to Wall Street. Apparently those assholes who ruined the economy wrote down on other Pads of Paper how to keep destroying the economy before those three guys were carted off to a really nice prison that sort of resembles a five-star hotel. We have to take action, Pad of Paper. First, with the use of at least 10 or 12 paper balls, we will ambush security and gain access to the buildings. Then, with another 15 or 20 paper balls, we will systematically and brill-yantly steal all those secrets from those assholes! Then WE can destroy the economy! We’re going to be so rich, Pad of Paper, that I won’t be able to write my salary down on you! Together, we can make sure those Wall Street assholes are punished, even taxed! They will regret what they did. All the bad bad mistakes made by them!

With papercuts,

Mala