I decided to start writing thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through unemployment. This edition is dedicated to Harry Potter 7.
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Dear Harry Potter 7,
My God, you’re a heavy book. How the hell to children read you? Geez, lose some weight.
Anyway, two days ago, my parents called me and asked how long I had been sitting on the couch. After groaning for five minutes, I finally determined it to be 40.2 hours, so they bought me a ticket to see the movie version of you (Part 1!) in a cheap attempt to prompt internal bodily blood flow. This taught me a valuable lesson: buttered popcorn is delicious. No wonder there are so many fat people at the movies!
HP 7, I can call you that, right? HP 7? Well HP 7, you know this has been a difficult time for me. No no, I am not talking about unemployment, stop crying! This Harry Potter craze has been troubling, for you see, HP 7, though your inventor has perfected the use of precise and perfectly paced detail, I suffer from what is known as an “underactive imagination.” Along with the overwhelmingly boring childhood this caused, it also means I have no idea what the fuck is going on in you 90-95 percent of the time. Apparently, much of the world suffers from an underactive imagination, because there are so many books that turn into movies! So when your movie version opened, for the first time, HP 7, I finally understood what you are all about (Part 1!).
Thirty minutes into you, HP 7, something quite profound occurred to me. In the duration of these thirty minutes, the main characters are neither in school, nor are they accomplishing anything for direct payment nor compensation, even though they are actively trying to achieve something. HP 7, this means that four-eyes, the dumb redhead, and Ms. Smartass are essentially: UNEMPLOYED. You have thus taught me, HP 7, that unemployment is acceptable under certain circumstances, including:
1. Industrial collapse
2. Economic collapse
3. When an evil wizard named Voldemort takes over the magical world and endangers millions of muggles
Sure, I may have made an invalid comparison, and am using fictional characters in a fictional world to justify my status, but if you ignore all of these pesky details, my situation is completely satisfactory. So thank you HP 7. I may one day cease to use you as a giant paperweight, and instead read you cover to cover. But I will probably wait until after the second movie comes out and my parents decide to buy me another ticket.
With delusional gratitude,
Mala
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