Unemployment Object Memoirs - A Tribute to Social Media App

I decided to start writing thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through un(der)employment. This edition is dedicated to Social Media App.
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Dear Social Media App,

As you might have heard because I told you using emoticons, way too many exclamation marks*, and a vague reference to Gandhi, I am once again riding the tides of un(der)employment. My friends and colleagues have kindly reached out with fake epithets of sympathy, though as you well know, Social Media App, most are occupied taking pictures of their food and posting the bike route exercise regimen GPS very well knows they did not actually complete.

These past few years, I have tried my level best to make a career change. Alas finding something that speaks to my intellectual curiosity, skill set, desire to make more than a cashier and need to not make the world a shittier place than before has largely impeded this process. In fact, thirteen replies on my post about the perils of un(der)employment were to make my way to the start-up world to work on you, Social Media App. Though a solid suggestion, when the question,

“So why do you want to work for us?”

comes up, I always find my mind wandering to the policy and advocacy work I am currently doing to help marginalized voices be heard. Sure, your creators reason, Social Media App directly led to the suicides of 17 people and started a human trafficking ring in Latin America last year, but there’s unlimited coffee and granola bars in the office!

Now I know, Social Media App, that I use you in a way to suggest that even in my low points, I am unequivocally amazing. That’s because I genuinely think this is true. But what is also true is that narcissism, “is not considered a strength” in applications for employment.

So, I have decided to turn over a new leaf on you, Social Media App. While Facebook benefited from my ability to straight out lie, I know the kids these days are using you to vent serious insecurities about their lives. After all, nothing screams intimacy more than setting your privacy settings to “public humiliation”.

Over the next few weeks, I will be posting a series of anecdotes highlighting particularly traumatizing and unnerving periods of my life. Through wit, photos, and hashtags, I will expose myself on you, Social Media App. This may result in you prompting me to seek medical attention and buy self-help books that truly do make me want to die, but in the end, I know this public display of catharsis is exactly what the un(der)employment doctor ordered.

I guess what I am really trying to say is that I would like to apply for the position of Social Media App Evangelist. I hope you will take this cover letter as proof that I still don't get how you're different from Facebook.

All the Best,

Mala

*The correct number is one. It’s always one.