Unemployment Object Memoirs: A Tribute to Candy Cane

I decided to start writing thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through unemployment. This edition is dedicated to candy cane.
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Dear Candy Cane,

I stumbled upon a mint chocolate flavored one of you last week. Mostly because I am lazy and don’t want to search for jobs, but also because of this new “Candy Cane Equality” movement I just made up, I decided to dedicate no less than 72 hours to discovering exactly how you are made. Boy candy cane, I had no idea how brutal the process is! You poor poor piece of candy! You are slapped, stretched, twisted, softened, hardened, pulled and packaged! I must admit that watching this “How Candy is Made” special hosted by Mark Summers was…confusing. I totally thought he died like 15 years ago. Apparently it was just his career. But no matter candy cane – you are being treated inhumanely, and I am going to do something to help you! I am going to get “Candy Cane Equality” t-shirts made! Right after this commercial break.

Candy Cane, at first I thought you were brought to me to fill a hole in my heart (teeth?) after my favorite mojito place in the East Village banned me for life for stealing all of their sugar cane and blaming the owner’s 18-month-old son. Now I realize, Candy Cane, that our purpose in life is something much bigger. With our t-shirts, we will hit the streets, canvas schools, and blackmail B-list celebrities to start an international movement about the cruelties of candy cane abuse! We will be invited to speak at commencement ceremonies of hippie no-name universities, create TV ads that feature 5 white people and one Asian guy in black shirts, and say things like “ironic,” “Twitter,” “tragic,” and “Africa.” We can pose nonsense rhetorical questions like, “Did you know that every year, more than 1 billion candy canes suffer from violence, neglect, poverty, and badly decorated holiday boxes?” Most importantly candy cane, we will never, EVER find a real job.

I hear your concern, Candy Cane. This is a lot of pressure to take on, especially when there are so many other causes, like curing three-footed babies. But just remember why we dedicated ourselves to this cause nearly 13 hours ago – we have nothing better to do. So forget all of those pompous NGOs and foundations that feed people, provide medicine, build schools, and help little Johnny make another fucking documentary about the food industry! We are dedicated to Candy Cane Equality, and we will host our first mixer next week! Mojitos on the house!

I’ll bring the t-shirts,

Mala