Unemployment Object Memoirs: A Tribute to Boarding Pass

I decided to start writing thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through unemployment. This edition is dedicated to boarding pass.
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Dear Boarding Pass,

Sometime around noon on December 23, 2010, I went upstairs in my parents’ house to take a nap. 36 hours ago, I was roughly shaken by my mother, who informed me it is 2011, and that I indeed have been asleep for twelve days. I tried to pass this nap off on my terrible affliction of unemployment I contracted in May, as it has caused an addiction to watching documentaries about hibernation on the interwebs. But being the unsupportive parental units they are, my parents were upset that I slept through Christmas, New Years, a four-day vacation to the Dominican Republic, and my birthday.

Anyway, boarding pass, my family apparently failed to notice my lack of presence until my mother asked me to get a picture of her at a Dominican beach. Sadly, even the Delta check-in attendant imagined my body long enough to print you. On the upside, my parents saved you and promptly handed you over to me when they woke me up five days later! True, this vacation was my sole opportunity to travel in the foreseeable future. True, it was supposed to knock me out of my semi-comatose unemployed state. True, it was entirely paid for. But also true, I can just as easily live the Dominican experience through you, boarding pass, right? FALSE.

Listening to you talk about all the great Dominican things you saw inspired me, boarding pass. You see, even though the US government invested in those giant, expensive scanners that can see if you’re made out of explosives or if you’re an Arab, they failed to invest in salaries that attract TSA officials that aren’t either semi-retarded or just don’t give a shit. After talking it over with scissors, crayon, and glue, we hatched a plan! Now I know you hate cosmetic surgery, boarding pass, but think of our manipulation of you as a makeover.

Before leaving, I had told my mom that I was going upstairs to take a nap, so that bought us at least 5-6 days. When we got to the airport, you were so calm, boarding pass! Even though I misspelled the word “Dominican” on you, you never missed a beat! We made it through the Arab detector and to the gate without any problems. All we needed to do was have you scanned! I found a seat at the gate, and together, we started imaging the sun, the beach, the abundance of cheap food, the napzzzZZZZZZZZZ....

::12 hours later::

Well, brilliant, boarding pass! Your damn Dominican description made me fall asleep, and we missed the flight! I am not a person of fate, but I am a person of laziness, so there is no way in hell I am trying this again. All in all, that was a miserable failure. However, I am willing to forgive you, boarding pass, if you lie to the world and tell them I made it down to the DR. I may not have a job, but I still have integrity, albeit false. Just remember the lesson from this misadventure, boarding pass: it NEVER pays to try.