Unemployment Object Memoirs: A Tribute to Sunglasses

I decided to start writing thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through unemployment. This edition is dedicated to sunglasses.
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Dear Sunglasses,

You may find it a bit odd that I acquired you during the season when the sun shows itself approximately 23 minutes per day. I too find this odd, but do admit that you have become quite useful during this horrendous period of my life in which I have become employment…challenged. I still remember where we met, that being the most authentic Chinese place on earth: New York City. After battling the horrors of the Q train, I emerged with one goal in mind: get a bánh mì. My God, the Chinese make fantastic Vietnamese sandwiches! Of course, this emergence happened during one of the 23 minutes of January daylight, and I squinted just long enough to be harassed into buying a pair of poorly made Chinese sunglasses. Thus, our partnership was born.

Now Sunglasses, as I have become employment…challenged, I have taken to affirming my self-worth in arbitrary ways. For instance, after acquiring said Chinese bánh mì, I poured half a bottle of Sriracha on top. Clearly, if I can eat a sandwich with 26 tablespoons of hot sauce, this spell of unemployment is not my fault. Clearly, I still have some value. Clearly, I am crying. Clearly, I am crying because that is really fucking hot. But if someone sees me crying, my self-validation is gone. So I wear you, Sunglasses, to prove to the world how my awesomeness is directly related to how much Sriracha I can consume without looking like a crybaby. With my capacity at such straightforward logic, I am continually amazed at how my cover letter keeps getting overlooked.

You know, Sunglasses, a funny thing happens to everyone else when you become unemployed. All of a sudden, everyone is a huge expert on the economy! At least they think they are! And when everyone thinks they are experts on the economy, I have to listen to everyone babble on and on about some story they heard a guy on whatever cable news network shout about for ten minutes. In times like these, I am sooo happy to have you, Sunglasses. Why, you ask? Because with you, I can pretend to listen while falling asleep! This ensures I won’t ask rebuttal questions like, “If you’re such as expert, why didn’t you see the economy collapsing 30 months ago?” and “Why are talking to me if you aren’t hiring?” and “Are you going to eat that cookie?”

So you see, Sunglasses, though we had an awkward start, I am finding you increasingly useful when I am employment…challenged. Comcast just forced a digital cable upgrade on its users, so I predict a 36% increase in my clandestine sleeping habits, followed by two quarters of steady crying. It’s going to be a long season of 23-minute daylight days, Sunglasses.

With Sriracha,

Mala