I decided to write thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through unemployment. This edition is dedicated to Napkin.
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Dear Napkin,
A few nights ago, I made the terrible decision to go outside. You see, Napkin, since I have come under the influence of unemployment, I have lost all ability to properly communicate with humans. Communicating with humans, along with other arduous tasks, such as bathing, eating, moving and breathing seem redundant, as I appear to serve no function. However, my friend made a compelling argument in her text message: U suk. comee out. who iz thiz? Clearly my friend needed me, Napkin, so I decided to do some research on the interwebs to see how to be a supportive friend in social situations/make everyone see how the world has become an utter failure by keeping me bogged down under the influence of unemployment.
After thousands of milliseconds of planning, you and I hatched the perfect plan. Sadly, my text-message “friend” turned out to be a 13-year-old girl in Arkansas, but with all the milliseconds of time we invested, there was no way this plan would not be (poorly?) executed. You were strategically sitting by the bartender, scoping out the scene. I entered through the back, and made a dash to the bar where I collected you. Then, I smelled one of those tiny onions no on ever seems to have in their drink but are always available at bars, and started crying.
The plan worked brilliantly: three people asked me what was wrong and what I thought smelling onions would achieve! Each time they asked, I pulled you out, and with the help of dramatic hand gestures, start drawing complicated diagrams illustrating the very fundamentals of human life and/or where my favorite taco place is. Unfortunately, in my third round of illustrating this mad genius, one of the bar patrons noticed that my diagram did not successfully articulate how the entire world is against me, but was instead, a giant smiley face. F you, Emoticons.
Thankfully, my research on the interwebs prepared me for how to deal with awkward situations in bars. Unfortunately Napkin, this also entailed the death of you. I suppose it’s a bit stupid to write a letter to a dead Napkin, but some would argue it is stupid to write a letter to any Napkin, regardless of its state of living. Still others would argue Napkins do not fall under a category of living nor dead. To continue this debate, please turn to the corner of 2nd Ave and 23rd Street, where a lively group of first graders will be happy to discuss this further.
Ahem. Anyway Napkin, interwebs suggested the best way to deal with awkward situations at bars is to either buy a round of drinks for everyone or show how happy and free-spirited you are. As my net worth is in the negatives, I decided to demonstrate my light and airy side. So, I took you and a few of your cousins, ripped you guys up and threw you in the air while screaming “It’s snowing, It’s snowing!” Then, when I had accumulated a giant mass of napkin shreds, I made a bar-napkin snow angel! That showed those bar people, Napkin! In one night, I had demonstrated my cultural knowledge through tacos, my genius through diagram drawing abilities, my emotional depth, AND my fun and creative side! With such a multi-faceted nature, there is no way anyone could possibly think me being under the influence of unemployment is my fault! One woman even offered to check me into rehab!
With a fun and airy attitude,
Mala
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