I decided to write thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through unemployment. This edition is dedicated to AA Battery.
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Dear AA Battery,
Does it bother you that when people see the letters “AA,” they think of their next door neighbor, Bill, who has a drinking problem and wears pleated pants?
Anyway, AA Battery, after two weeks of playing a very complicated computer game that involves throwing bananas in a monkey’s mouth, and…well, that’s it, I finally thought I had my arch nemesis, “TommyAge5,” beat! Right when I was about to toss my 948th banana, my computer froze! “TommyAge5” won again! After trying my failsafe computer-restore techniques (shaking computer violently, singing, and hitting the enter button 400 times), I finally figured out that you, AA Battery, had unceremoniously died inside of computer mouse.
As I dug around in my closet, I found “Outdated Shit” box next to “WTF” box. I opened “Outdated Shit” box and found a pack of 20 of your colleagues sitting underneath CD player, dictionary, and Mel Gibson. AA Battery, what happened to us? At conception, we looked so promising! You were poised to be a 9-volt battery, and one day occupy a prestigious job in smoke detector, where you would alert everyone in the building every time a stove was turned on, when someone within a 2-mile radius was wearing Ralph Lauren cologne, and occasionally, save a family of four (plus dog) from a fire.
But as the years went on, AA Battery, we realized we would not rise to the prestige of smoke detector, and might instead be downgraded to a C battery that powers those flashlights firemen use to sort through rubble and kids use to scare each other on camping trips only white people seem to take. Now here we are, AA Battery, 20 to a pack for a one-battery job, used to power computer mice used by Bill the drunkard and “TommyAge5.” How did we get here, AA Battery? 19 of us unemployed, 1 of us overworked, all to do the thankless work of the world, while 9-volt and even C batteries take paid vacations and benefits despite having the cognitive abilities of my online cartoon monkey.
What we need to do, AA Battery, is reinvent ourselves. While 9-volt and C batteries poked fun of lithium battery in school, we sat idly by, neither converting into lithium ourselves, nor shoving lithium into a trashcan. Somehow our recognition of the genius, but steadfast ability to remain completely and totally idle has overrun our birthright expectations, and we sit here drowning in unemployment despair.
With these words of revolution and inspiration…I realize I have no idea what the hell to do. Really, AA Battery, I think this is why I ended up here in the first place. My words of motivation usually lead to no action plan and empty carbs. I would ask lithium battery, but it is too busy reinventing the world. I would ask 9-volt or C batteries, but they probably don’t understand 90 percent of what I just said. Do you have any ideas? No? Well, then I am going to find “TommyAge5” and take that asshole down!
With monkeys,
Mala
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