Unemployment Object Memoirs: A Tribute to Business Card

I decided to write thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through unemployment. This edition is dedicated to Business Card.

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Dear Business Card,

During my last interview, HR rep pointed out that perhaps I should step up my professional game. I get confused on how to deal with these things, because in business school, everyone said don’t express your opinions and learn how to smile and nod at everything, especially if it involves agreeing that getting rid of Planned Parenthood will balance the national budget. But in grad school, they said don’t be another average drone that only knows how to smile and nod like a giant bobblehead, because that clearly demonstrates you learned your budgeting skills from frat boys in business school. So, I decided show my civil disobedience by wearing a hoodie, but made sure it was a neutral color to avoid any controversy.

After many hours of sketching ideas on Pad of Paper, I realized that I was using Chapstick instead of a pen. Though I usually find random red blobs of wax inspiring, this particular blob failed to conjure any ideas of genius. With a sad smile and nod, I threw away my work, and started with a fresh piece of paper. That’s when it hit me! I could start a company that makes little pieces of paper with personal information for distribution at meetings! I called this invention, “Personal Paper Piece.”

Unfortunately, someone came up with this idea at the birth of unnecessarily long and meaningless management titles. You know, when they came up with investment banking. These are commonly known as Business Cards. So, Business Card, I decided to acquire one of you. After many more hours of sketching with a proper writing tool (crayons), I came up with this:

Now that I am armed with you, Business Card, everyone has to take me seriously! I will be able to use words like “acumen,” “stakeholder,” “sustainable,” and “employed” without giggling! How you like me now, HR rep!?

With professionalism,

Mala