Unemployment Object Memoirs: A Tribute to Monocle

I decided to write thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through unemployment. This edition is dedicated to Monocle.

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Dear Monocle,

After a particularly hostile encounter with calendar last week, I made the shocking discovery that it is 2011. Furthermore, it was April of 2011. Time flies when you’re asleep! With the help of sponsored ads by Google, Calendar also informed me that this Sunday is Mother’s Day. For those third parties reading this, you’re welcome for the reminder.

Anyway, Monocle, I decided to buy a Photo Frame and stick boring pictures of me as a gift for said greeting card manufactured holiday. I have always felt the creativity that went into creating the holiday (in this case, none) should be reflected in the creativity that goes into the gift (also none). In the midst of documenting my rather boring life, I came across a picture I did not recognize. I sent the picture to my father, who wrote back saying.

Dear Mala,

Glad to hear you’re up. Sleeping for 5 months is better classified as a coma.

Regarding the picture, it appears to be a little Chinese girl blowing bubbles. In fact, I saw her in several frames at the pharmacy this morning.

Go back to bed,

Dad

Highly discouraged by this development, I soon forgot what I was doing, and fell asleep. Two days ago, I re-awoke with a brilliant idea. Cereal! As I was eating out of cereal bowl, another brilliant idea came to mind. Since that Chinese girl was not my childhood self, perhaps I could revisit my own childhood to discover what my former intended career choices were to gain insight on how to rid my body of this violent case of unemployment. After two bowls, I came up with this list:

1.     Elf

2.     Architect

3.     Moonperson (better known as an “Astronaut”)

4.     Sherlock Holmes

5.     Cheese

Becoming an Elf or Cheese sounded like it involved a lot of plastic surgery, so those were out. Architect and Moonperson/Astronaut involved another degree, which requires money or further delusion into taking out more loans. So those were out too. That left Sherlock Holmes. I pulled out my thinking cap (which is a lovely shade of green), and soon decided that my biggest obstacles in becoming Sherlock Holmes were not having a British accent nor possessing you, Monocle.

Fortunately, my desire to become Sherlock Holmes did not happen during childhood, but rather during the month of October. So, I found you in my Fisher Pricecrap detective kit. I must say, Monocle, that together, we are making great progress! With your coaching skills, I mastered several British terms, including “fortnight,” “aubergine,” and “Scotland.” Furthermore, old chap, our adventure with the NYPD last night was quite useful for all of the parties involved, minus the victim and the police. Through strategic waving of you, Monocle, I was able to say elusive and ingenious things to crack the case, such as, “The dog is a wolf!” and “Perhaps we should ask the window these questions!’ and “Where is my pen!?” Sure, it appears we have now ended up in the psych ward, but look at silver lining, Monocle. If we are institutionalized, no one will expect us to find a job! Mission indubitably accomplished.

With eggplant aubergine,

Mala