I decided to write thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through unemployment. This edition is dedicated to Ruler.
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Dear Ruler,
As I was walking up 5th Avenue last week, I realized that Manhattan extends above 59th Street! Who knew? Certainly not anyone who pays $1300 a month to live in a box downtown and pretend their only window view being of a brick wall adds a “vintage flair” to one’s life. Overpriced piece of sh*t.
Ahem. Anyway, enough about the poor choices one makes during grad school. Like I was saying, as I was walking down 5th Avenue last week, I noticed a sign that caught my eye: Free t-shirts. Now, Ruler, if there is one thing I can never get enough of, it’s paper-thin, oversized, white t-shirts that accentuate my back fat and draw attention to my abnormally short neck. How sexy. Naturally, I was intrigued.
Upon further investigation, I was delighted to find out that I would receive said free t-shirt after sitting through a two hour presentation on a new service that is guaranteed to find you employment after 30 easy payments of $4000 that can be recycled as your annual salary should the program turn out to be a total failure! After a riveting 90-minute presentation (during which I fell asleep), I awoke to hear the presenter make his final point. “And remember, ladies and gents,” he said, “The key to a successful job hunt is to know how to measure your success. Does anyone know how to measure their success?”
Of course I knew the correct response. This is America. The answer is clearly inches. That’s when I thought of you, Ruler! Despite the fact that I have always have you, Ruler, I still try to measure things by opening a Word document and holding the item in question up to my screen. For years, you have been gathering dust, but now, Ruler, I have found your second calling, and according to my Word document, it is between 0.5 and 4 inches tall. I can’t really tell. My screen is a bit blurry.
So I rushed back home and found “WTF box” in the back of my closet. After tossing out Photo Frame, I found all of my “WTF” documents, including diplomas, theses, awards, and my welcome certificate to the official “Spice Girls” fan club, and made a pile. According to you, Ruler, my success stands approximately five inches tall.
Unfortunately, all of my Bing searches for “five inches average success?” resulted in a gross blogs about…you know. It seems, Ruler, that my five inches of success cannot be measured against the rest of the world. I suppose at the end of the day, it's the quality of the inches that matters, though it seems by composition of important institutions, such as Congress, that quality is a far second to the ability of making your inches appear on Fox News. Good thing I have my t-shirt to cover my ass. And back fat.
With inches,
Mala
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