I decided to write thank you notes to the various objects that are helping me get through unemployment. This edition is dedicated to Receipt.
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Dear Receipt,
Having been under the influence of unemployment for a bazillion trillion days, I have come to realize that most people in my situation experience significant loss of dignity, motivation, and sense of self. I, on the other hand, suffer from a far greater misery: the inability to buy large quantities of worthless crap. Over the years, I have amassed 40,000 socks, more than a million postage stamps, and nearly 10,000 beanie babies. Now with my current status of employment, I am forced to…what’s that, Receipt? Oh, that’s not me? That’s an episode of “Hoarders”? I see. Well, that’s embarrassing. Don’t tell anyone about this, okay? Thanks.
Anyway, now that I have your attention, Receipt, I really ought to take this opportunity to thank you. As I am afflicted with an unbearably long case of unemployment, I find keeping you in my possession very necessary, for 9 times out of 10, I immediately regret the purchase just I made. For instance, last week, I bought a box of 100 cookies from Whole Foods, but after looking at you, realized they were oatmeal raisin and not chocolate chip. Even with my dramatic fist pumps and feet stamping, I could not convince the cashier that oatmeal raisin cookies are absolutely pointless, nor that, “All Indians just look alike, how do I know it’s really you who bought the cookies?” is not a proper reason to deny my return! But there you were, Receipt, standing by my side, proving that I am indeed differentiable from the other 1 billion Indians on the planet, and that I do indeed deserve a refund for the dumbest cookie in history.
Now receipt, we are taught from an early age that what matters in life is family, friends, experiences, and memories. But any idiot who has seen America knows this is a bunch of bull. What really matters is how much stuff you own. As unemployment appears to be directly correlated to my ability to purchase said stuff, I have found it necessary to prominently display you, Receipt, whenever possible.
If someone asks me for the time, I make sure to search through my pockets, saying things like, “Where is that damn watch?”, while pulling out every one of you, Receipt, that documents important purchases, like a computer or gummy bears. Once the person asking for the time points out that my watch is on my wrist, I make sure to hold you in such a way that displays you in their line of vision. That way, the person will not only find out the time, they will know that I am an awesome person, as judged by the stuff I own. Now that, Receipt, is the definition of efficiency!
In conclusion, Receipt, I still need a damn job.
With cookies,
Mala
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